The TAN-EGO
In every tanguera's life, she will undoubtedly have an encounter or two with the male Tan-Ego. I met my first at the "ultra cliquey" milonga at Triangulo. It was my first time there and after sitting for an hour without an invitation to dance, I decided to strike up a conversation with a guy sitting next to me. He started off by telling me that milonga was exclusively for the "cream of the crop" dancers in NYC. He then proceeded to ask me who I study with, how often I take classes and how often I go to milongas because he's never seen me before. When I told him whom I was studying with, he made a face and said, "Oh, I've never danced with anyone good from that school." He doesn't frequent the milongas I go to because he doesn't enjoy dancing with the "older" crowd. He went on to explain the reason why I was sitting was because I am a new face and the "advanced" dancers will only dance with a tanguera after they've accessed her skill level. It's a total Catch-22, can't get dances, if you're not seen dancing. He told me that the assessment process can take a while. In his case, it could take over a year of watching a tanguera before he decides she was finally worth his time on the floor. For the initial invitation to take place, he has to wait for just the right song and asked her at just the right time because any mistake on their first try can make or break their potential tango relationship... and they may never dance again. All the while, I wondered "does this guy even enjoy dancing?"
After the "fun" chat with the Tan-Ego, he finally took pity on me and asked me to dance. Part of me knew it was a mistake then part of me felt I would be more upset if I left the milonga without dancing at all. I'd just gotten back from dancing in Buenos Aires and felt I was up for the challenge. After dancing milonguero style for a week in BsAs, I naturally took to close embrace. I knew immediately I was in trouble... his embrace felt timid and awkward. We started dancing and our knees started to bump together because I couldn't feel his chest leading me. We danced like this for half of the song, then I finally said to him... 'Maybe we should do open embrace." He didn't answer me right away, then said in a condescending voice, "just finish the song!" When the song ended, he asked me what kind of shoes I was wearing. I told him it was Neotango. He then said, I would recommend buying only Comme Il Faut stilettos because it was obviously not high enough and that's why you were bumping into my knees. When I told him I felt our embrace was the cause, he got really defensive and said, "Not only should you get new shoes, you should also start doing sit ups!!! Because you need better support in your dance!" By that point, I was in total shock that I didn't know what to say, so I started to leave. He was still shouting at me when I walked away, "Don't give up, you'll get it someday!"
My encounter with the Tan-Ego left me crying for a week and made me questioned my involvement with tango. I still, to this day, don't know what possessed this person to want to break my spirit. I see him sometimes at milongas sitting by himself, watching and waiting for the perfect dance. I've thought of walking over to him to give him a kick in the face in my CIF stilletos. But then again, I realized he will never enjoy tango as freely as I do, as he's already condemned himself to eternal tango hell. I've wised up since my dancing has improved, I no longer automatically assume responsibility for a mistake and I will never ever tango with the Tan-Ego again.
besos,
Eva
24 comments:
"...because I couldn't feel his chest leading me..."
Why should this NYC guy's lead feel like a BsAs guy's lead? You have to adapt to the lead.
I agree that there seems to be way too many egotistical asses in tango.... It's probably the only way that they can offset all the other shortcomings in their lives.....
and i think you have tan-ego part 2 from the other commenter....
You keep doing what your doing Eva, you are the true spirit of the dance.....
Boy, do I ever understand tango addiction (and in fact posted about it several times on tangocherie.)
Congrats on your nice blog; I'm putting you on my Favorite Links right now!
Besos de Buenos Aires!
"Why should this NYC guy's lead feel like a BsAs guy's lead?" What kinda fucking dumb question is that? It is called Argentine Tango, not American Swango, which a lot of guys in NYC (in the states in broader sense) are dancing.
First of all, I learned that it is a bad manner that you offer advice to your partner in the milonga, even to a beginner. If the guy doesn't know that , then he should probably relearn all the etiquettes.
Secondly, in close embrace, the lead is coming from the grounding of your feet to your upper torso. If you didn't feel his chest lead, then he probably didn't know how to lead close embrace.
Thirdly, it doesn't take one year to spot a good dancer. That dude must be a retard. It takes me about one song to spot a good leader or follower. You watch their postures, walking styles and their feet. It is really simple if you get it.
Last, but not the least, "cream of crop", please give me a break. A few trips to BsAs, six or seven years of dancing around don't make you cream of crop.
The only one time I was at Triangulo, I found a lot of Swango dancers swinging their heads left and right, doing all kinda stage/neuvo moves totally disregarding the line of dance. And they thought that they were the best dancers in NYC. That killed any desire for me to go back.
TJ
The woman adapts to the man's embrace. And the man tries to make the woman look beautiful throughout the dance. At least, that's what was supposed to be until the Swango takes over and kills all the elegance of the dance.
Sad....
Ladies,
I started with this post and now have fallen in love with all of it. I've just added you to my blogroll and I'll be waiting for your next installment!
This post brought up some slightly unpleasant memories for me and I'm sure many ladies have experienced the same type of behavior. But it's also important that you shared this because it helps other dancers realize that this is not an uncommon occurrence in the tango scene.
The man who I encountered here in SF preys on newer dancers and people who don't know him. The people who do know him have all had the same experience and we avoid him (we have a nickname for him but I'll leave that out as I don't wish to identify him in a public forum). He seems to take pleasure in correcting you on the dance floor, labeling himself a "teacher" and then making you feel like you should give up tango by the end of the tanda.
Luckily, you've recovered from the experience and know that it's his problem, not yours, and you'll continue to find leaders who enjoy and appreciate you as a follower.
Keep up the great posts! I'll be waiting for more...
Ha, for some reason I tried to post yesterday and it didn't work out, but here I go again...
Dear Tango-Addicts, great post!!! I'm loving the blog, and I think this story about this Jerk at Triangulo is just very well put. I'm just sorry he spoiled your night, but look at it in this way... just looking at the very poor "advice" he managed to come up with, it's very clear that he is not really a strong dancer. In fact, I would venture that, if he was really the Hot Shot he claims to be, he'd be dancing with the Hot Shot follows (and persecuted, in fact) rather than sitting in a corner watching. There are enough wonderful follows in NYC to keep him busy, after all. The problem here is that people like Tan-Ego here tries to make themselves feel better at the expense of new Tangueras that they consider newbies who can be bullied. And this is not to say that you are... I'm just saying, he probably thought you were, since it was the first time he bumped into you. But trust me. All this B.S. about how the creme of the creme is at Triangulo and *you* do not deserve it, it's just a proyection of how he feels he doesn't deserve to be there himself. In other words... what a loser!
Tanguera
PS I'm also a fan of you blog from now on!
Yuk...
OK, so much for typing fast and not previewing...
Of course:
"The problem here is that people like Tan-Ego *try* to make themselves feel better at the expense of new Tangueras.."
All this B.S. about how the creme of the creme is at Triangulo and *you* do not deserve it, it's just a *projection* of how he feels he doesn't deserve to be there himself.
(Sorry for being so obsessed about this, but I'm not a native english speaker, and I do hate it when I see myself still making mistakes like these...!!!)
Dear Eva,
this is just incredible! Really, the only thing to be done about such nutters is to stay clear of them and never, ever, dance with them! I know that´s easy to say and may be hard to do, sometimes, but... honestly! He would ´recommend buying only Comme Il Faut stilettos´?!! Why, has he ever worn them, to know the difference?!
The things the guy had been saying before the dance should be a warning to any follower. And the stuff he said on the dancefloor - that´s just totally unacceptable, no matter why the embrace didn´t work.
I guess some people have issues... but why, why vent them on the dancefloor?
Oh my goodness, I nearly started to cry when I read this story. :-( I am so, so sorry that you had to experience that. Ooh, what an awful man.
Great blog, by the way - I followed it over from Tanguera's blog. :-)
I've seen the type around. I've been to NYC twice and gone to a lot milongas there but never Triangulo's, actually. Somehow I feel I know whom you're talking about though.. I'm quite sure I saw him during my last visit in April/May at Robin's birthday milonga. Guys like that make me want to become violent and to punch them out.. those kind and the ones who bog up the speed of traffic, those who don't know line of dance from an apple, and other such idiots... wouldn't do good for my plans to become a police officer, though, so I keep refraining myself. Keep dancing and practicing and I'm sure *it'll* come to you, if it hasn't already. I'm a man and I'm ashamed of my *race* (Martians). We suck as a whole :(
Wow... where did you guys come from? I am sooo deeply touched by all your support. : )
That guy IS pretty pathetic. The incident happened back in May and I saw him last Sunday and actually watched him dance this time and found out he's actually not the "advance" dancer that he promoted. So you guys are right on, he must have been feeling insecure himself and wanted to project his insecurities onto someone whom he thought was vulnerable.
I also did find the CIF stilettos recommendation a bit odd ... I guess he must have tried them on himself.
Thanks again for your warm comments. I have really enjoyed reading your blogs as well.
Hmmm... just realized I need to add "blogging" to our top ten signs of addiction list.
Muchos Besos,
Eva
P.S. Our new post will be ready in a few days!
Wow. Seems to me that the real problem here is that the guy had a huge stick up his ass. I hope you didn't let it get you down for too long. Life is too short to let idiots break your spirit!
PS, great blog :)
i am also a beginner, and i was thinking of going there tomorrow night. now i'm scared to run into that jerk-face.
no matter -- if i go, and i am victimized, i'll punch him out for both of us!
argh!!!
Oh God.
You obviously found an interesting (although rather common) specimen: a severaly emotionally under-developed guy. They tend to create a crazy dynamism of rejection and aggression. You can see their verbal attacks coming much before they articulate a word.
If they get rejected, their emotional freeze does not allow them to see it. The poor souls can not connect to themselves, nor to others.
They can go around quite successfully because few people are strong enough and "cut them" out early.
From your writing you seem to me like a smart person. I don´t get WHY did you stay to dance with someone that gave you every indication of "bad moment coming". Is dancing a tanda really so important like to pay this price? To me it seems rather high. It should be part of tango to learn how to graciously say no.
Have fun
Your probably only non-tango-dancer reader ; )
Your blog is great, and I enjoyed this post especially. I feel your pain. I've met "tan-ego" types myself. They exist in other types of dancing too. And, to be fair, there are female tan-ego types as well. With the female ones (I am female also) they start griping and pointing out the leaders whom they refuse to dance with for various reasons.
In any case, the problem is the same, which is that some folks don't dance for fun, relaxation, or self-expression. Instead it becomes their primary means for validation, personal fulfillment and ego stroking. Basically they expect dancing to compensate for all the other unsatisfying things in their lives. That's way too much baggage to bring to a dance floor, in my opinion.
What a spectacular jerk!
As a fairly new dancer in NY myself, I have to say there is a mixed bag out there. People have been warm but its hard to start out as an unfamiliar face since people are suspicious of your abilities. Sometimes I want to tell some of these people.. "just ask ..it wont kill you if he/she is bad..its 3 mins of your night."
This guy is obviously one of those nutbags and its people like this who bring misery wherever they go life or dance. His loss my dear..his loss entirely!
I just experienced the Tan-ego...I definitely felt that same way.
You know, you don't really need an education in tango etiquette to understand the basics of being considerate. That guy's attitude is just unacceptable, in tango or anywhere else.
You can say, "No!" You don't have to "earn" a tango merit badge by suffering people who humiliate you. It just isn't right.
Interesting that he denigrated the New York milongas where the older dancers are. I'm a New York dancer, and I frequent the older places precisely because the crowd tends to behave more like adults.
The world is full of jerks (male and female). Thank goodness we have tango venues that allow us to easily spot them and avoid them. If we could dance with the presidential candidates, we could know instantly who to vote for. The best leaders are the ones who discover the nature of their partner (whatever that nature may be) and adjust the lead to her comfort and pleasure. That's the only way that "two can dance as one". Your Mr. tan-ego must be a very terrible lover.
Well, one night spoiled, one lesson for life learned. :-)
A parallel comment: I am good enough for the fabulous leaders who visit NYC from all over the world. In BA, I danced with Argentine tangueros who were friendly, open, polite, and excellent dancers. But for some reason, NY men are insanely uppity (and/or just plain neurotic): it's like "I'm God's gift to tango, and you, tanguera, are privileged to have my invitation." WRONG! I do declare, I have never seen such a concentration of tango egomaniacs as are in this city. Their outsized hubris hurts their dance, and the tragedy is that they don't even realize it. My NYC tanguero compatriots: an attitude adjustment is in order.
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